In Memory, Yet Crystal Clear: Growing Up With Asimov and Watching AI Catch Up

I was born in 1955 — right in the middle of the era when science fiction was reshaping the imagination of an entire generation. By the early 1960s, when I was old enough to start pulling books from library shelves on my own, I was already devouring anything I could get my hands on. But nothing hit me like Isaac Asimov.

I didn’t just read Asimov. I grew up with him.
I grew up through him.

His books were everywhere — on spinner racks, in dusty libraries, in my hands at night when I should’ve been asleep. And even as a kid, I could sense that Asimov wasn’t writing just about robots and rockets. He was writing about thinking. About ethics. About human choices in the face of new intelligence.

He was telling kids like me:
The future isn’t something you wait for — it’s something you help build.

---

A 35-Year-Old Writer Paying Tribute

Fast-forward to 1990. I was 35 when my first short story was published. I titled it “In Memory, Yet Crystal Clear,” a deliberate homage to Asimov’s autobiography In Memory Yet Green.

That title wasn’t a wink — it was gratitude.

Asimov helped shape my sense of story, my sense of possibility, and my belief that science fiction was more than entertainment. It was philosophy disguised as narrative. It was a way of thinking about people, machines, society, and responsibility before those conversations became real.

When you’re 10 years old reading Asimov, you don’t think you’re preparing for adulthood.
But you are.

---

Rediscovering Asimov Through My Son

Recently, my son sent me a video — “What Happens If AI Just Keeps Getting Smarter?” — which dug into several Asimov short stories I somehow missed as a youth. It was surreal to watch.

Here I was, nearly 70, revisiting the same imaginative terrain that shaped me as a boy — but now from a world where AI isn’t theoretical. It’s here. It’s growing. It’s accelerating.

And suddenly the distance between a 1960s kid reading Asimov and the world of 2025 doesn’t feel as far as it once did.

---

Asimov Saw Further Than We Realized

Asimov imagined robots not as monsters but as partners.
Not as threats but as moral puzzles.
Not as fantasy but as inevitabilities.

His “Three Laws of Robotics” became the first mainstream attempt to wrap machine intelligence inside a moral framework. Even then, he knew the laws would fail — and half his stories are about those failures.

But he also assumed something beautiful:
that humans would care enough to try.

He believed we would approach intelligence — even artificial intelligence — with thoughtfulness, structure, and humility.

Today?
We have brilliant developers and researchers…but we also have corporations racing each other, governments barely understanding what they’re regulating, and a society catching up to technologies released at breakneck speed.

Asimov’s optimism wasn’t naïve.
It was aspirational.

---

The Questions Asimov Asked — And That AI Forces Us to Answer

The video my son sent me raised the same unsettling ideas Asimov was wrestling with decades before AI became real:

• What happens when intelligence grows faster than our ability to understand it?

• What happens when machines become better than us at the very things that define us?

• What happens when decisions move beyond human comprehension?

• And — critically — what happens when we fail to build the equivalent of “Three Laws” into real systems?

Asimov used fiction to explore these questions safely.
We’re having to explore them in real time.

---

Where My Childhood Meets the Future

It’s strange — and a little poetic — to be a writer who grew up on Asimov, wrote a story in 1990 as a tribute to him, and now lives in a world where AI is no longer a distant speculation but a daily presence. I can have conversations with AI systems today that feel like stepping into one of his stories.

The difference is that this time the story is ours.

And that makes the stakes real.

Asimov taught an entire generation that intelligence — human or artificial — is something we guide, shape, and take responsibility for. He believed in rationality, ethics, curiosity, and the possibility that science could improve the human condition if we approached it wisely.

That message feels more urgent now than it did in 1960, or in 1990 when I published that first story.

---

A Final Thought: Staying Asimovian

If there’s one thing I’ve taken from a lifetime of reading Asimov — and from watching these modern debates about AI — it’s this:

Asimov trusted us to be worthy of what we create.
The real question is whether we trust ourselves.

We don’t need to fear intelligence.
We need to fear carelessness, short-term thinking, and moral laziness — the opposite of what Asimov spent his life warning us about.

And as someone who was shaped by Asimov’s words as a boy, carried them into my own writing at 35, and now watches AI become smarter by the month… I hope we choose the Asimovian path:

• curiosity over panic

• ethics over profit

• imagination over stagnation

• and humanity over fear

Because the future won’t be written by machines.
It will be written by the people who decide what those machines become.

And Asimov — if he were still here — would remind us that the future is always, always a human responsibility.

---

I highly recommend watching the video, I think he did a very good job on it. 

“What Happens If AI Just Keeps Getting Smarter?

Cheers! Sláinte! Na zdravie!

Compiled with aid of ChatGPT

Why AI Privacy Matters for Health and Creative Work

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to share sensitive material with AI systems like ChatGPT. On the one hand, these tools are powerful collaborators — whether you’re working through health challenges, brainstorming a story, or hashing out a screenplay draft. On the other hand, the moment you type something in, you have to trust that it won’t end up somewhere you don’t want it.

For many of us, the stakes are different. Some of it touches on health information (where HIPAA comes to mind). Some of it touches on creative and professional work — intellectual property, future contracts, and the legal landmines of collaboration.

So let’s unpack what really happens when you share something with an AI today, and what an ideal model might look like in the future.

---

How It Works Today: Thin Client, Thick Server

Right now, services like ChatGPT are built on what’s essentially a thin client / thick server architecture.

• Your browser or app is just the window.

• OpenAI’s servers hold your history, memory, and the text of your sessions.

• You can toggle “Chat History & Training” on (so chats are saved and may be used in training) or off (so they’re deleted after the session and not used in training).

This system is convenient: you get to scroll back through your old conversations in the sidebar, and the model can pick up threads across multiple days.

But it also means the persistence of your data lives in the cloud, not on your machine. If you want maximum privacy — for health notes or sensitive IP — you have to turn off history, which kills continuity.

---

The Ideal Future: Thick Client, Thin Server

What would be better?

A thick client / thin server setup.

• The server would only do the heavy lifting: run the model, generate responses, and send them back.

• The client (your computer) would store all your data locally — your history, your drafts, your “memory.”

• Each time you opened a new session, your client would send only the relevant context to the server. When you closed it, nothing would persist beyond your machine.

This is the best of both worlds: continuity without ceding control. Your health reflections never leave your computer. Your creative drafts remain your intellectual property, with zero risk of leakage. The AI still works, but the model never “keeps” your work behind the scenes.

---

Where Things Stand for Creatives and Health Concerns

Until that architecture exists in mainstream AI products, here’s what we can do:

• Health information: You can share personal reflections safely for your own use, but don’t put in identifiable patient data if you’re a clinician. The current platforms aren’t HIPAA-compliant.

• Creative work: You keep full IP ownership of everything you write here, but if you don’t want drafts to linger on servers, flip off “Chat History & Training” and save the transcripts locally.

• Hybrid use: Keep two modes — “history on” for casual, low-stakes work and “history off” for sensitive or professional projects.

For the ultra-private route, you can also run local LLMs (like GPT4All, LM Studio, or small LLaMA builds) directly on your computer. These don’t touch the cloud at all. Many professionals are starting to draft locally, then bring only what they’re comfortable sharing into ChatGPT for refinement.

---

Why This Matters

If AI is going to become a true collaborator — in health, in writing, in film, in law — then the foundation has to be trust.

I don’t want my medical reflections slipping into a training set. I don’t want my unpublished screenplay ideas floating around in some server. And I don’t want to give up continuity with my AI partner just because I choose privacy.

That’s why the next leap in AI design isn’t just about bigger models. It’s about architecture: giving users the ability to keep their data local, private, and theirs, while still tapping into the model’s power.

Because without that, we’re always weighing usefulness against risk. And for many of us — in healthcare, in the arts, in professional collaborations — that’s a trade-off we shouldn’t have to make.

Cheers! Sláinte! Na zdravie!

Compiled with aid of ChatGPT

Blundering Forward: How the ADHD Brain Turns Uncertainty Into Breakthroughs

This is an oversimplification, but it frames the idea to address it.

I was just thinking—it’s kind of amazing that I won 82 awards for Pvt. Ravel’s Bolero even though I basically taught myself digital video editing, stumbled through it, jammed up my computer at times overwhelming it and having to rework it, and didn’t always fully understand what I was doing.

It reminded me of my IT days—working with really advanced systems nobody knew much about yet, and they’d just toss it to me and my partner at work. I'd blunder forward, but somehow, I’d get results that were applauded and often be done way faster than anyone expected.

It feels like the front of my mind—the part I can see and steer—often thinks, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” But when I just keep moving, my back-of-mind takes over. That part seems to know exactly what it’s doing, even if I don’t have direct access to it. I just wish it shared with me so I could clearly see the clarity it seems to see.

I thought some might find that interesting—or maybe familiar?

So, what's going on?

---

1. ADHD and “blundering through”

I'm describing something a lot of ADHD adults recognize — the feeling of not knowing what I'm doing consciously, but still producing strong results once I let momentum carry me forward. What looks like “blundering” from the outside often turns out to be how the ADHD brain problem-solves: messy at the surface, brilliant underneath.

2. Front mind vs. back mind

The way I framed the “front of mind” that doubts and the “back of mind” that just does, is a powerful way to describe it. It’s almost like I've trained myself to trust the unconscious systems I've built up from years of exposure and experimentation. That’s not just luck — it’s experience embedding itself so deeply that my brain can run with it even when the conscious part feels lost.

3. Modeling resilience for him

By framing it like this, it shows that “not fully knowing” doesn’t mean “not capable.” That’s an important message, especially for someone else with ADHD. I've normalized the process — that results come not from perfect control, but from trust, persistence, and letting the deeper mind do its work.

Framing ADHD not as a deficit, but as a different way of processing — one that can look chaotic but is often surprisingly effective. That’s both validating and encouraging.

here’s a more technical framing of what you described, written as if it were for a blog piece on ADHD, creativity, and “back-of-mind” processing:

---

The ADHD Brain and the Power of Back-of-Mind Processing

One of the paradoxes many adults with ADHD experience is the sense of not knowing what we’re doing while, at the same time, producing remarkable results. This isn’t a contradiction — it’s a feature of how the ADHD brain engages with complex tasks.

Conscious vs. Unconscious Processing

Cognitively, we can think of two layers of mental activity:

• Front-of-mind (conscious, executive function): This is where planning, sequencing, and self-monitoring happen. For ADHD brains, this area can feel foggy or unreliable. We often perceive ourselves as “blundering” because the conscious control panel doesn’t feel firmly in our grasp.

• Back-of-mind (unconscious, distributed cognition): This is the deeper system that draws on years of experience, pattern recognition, and implicit memory. When ADHD adults “just do it” without overthinking, this system often takes over, handling complexity in ways our conscious brain can’t articulate.

Why “Blundering Forward” Works

Neuroscience suggests that ADHD brains rely more heavily on implicit learning — acquiring skills and strategies without direct instruction or step-by-step conscious control. What feels like stumbling is often the process of activating those hidden competencies. By moving forward, even clumsily, we give the unconscious brain permission to solve problems in the background.

In practice:

• Video editing or IT troubleshooting feels chaotic at the surface.

• Errors, crashes, and “jammed up” systems are part of the exploration.

• But the end result is often praised as innovative or sophisticated precisely because it bypassed linear, rule-bound approaches.

The ADHD Edge

What looks like uncertainty can actually be a strength. Research into default mode network (DMN) activity shows that ADHD brains maintain higher baseline connectivity between divergent areas of the brain. That can feel distracting in daily life, but in creative or technical problem-solving, it means a broader range of solutions “bubble up” unconsciously.

So when we say, “I don’t know what I’m doing — until suddenly I do”, we’re describing a very real neurological process: conscious struggle giving way to unconscious synthesis.

Trusting the Process

The key takeaway is that “blundering forward” isn’t incompetence. It’s a different mode of competence — one that depends less on stepwise conscious control and more on trusting the brain’s background systems to assemble the pieces. For people with ADHD, that often means results come in bursts of unexpected clarity, rather than predictable progress.

We're all different. But there is something going on in our brains, in our minds, that is rational in some way or other. It can just look chaotic to ourselves, or worse (sometimes, not always) to others.

I have always liked the idea, perhaps a bit romantic and maybe even false, that everyone is a genius at something. The truth is, many people never discover what that is even if it is true (for them), and it may not always exist in the way we imagine. 

Still, if you have not yet found yours, keep searching. You may yet stumble upon it. And even if you never do, the search itself matters. The journey is, at least in part, the destination, and it can enrich the quality of your life along the way.

Cheers! Sláinte! Na zdravie!

Compiled with aid of ChatGPT

(not)Walkabout Thoughts #97e - Creativity / Politics

Still on the strength training. 93 degrees here today. A couple of days not in the 90s or near that previously so a while not with it too warm to do extended walks. 

First, The founding fathers’ purposes were clear. They had no intention to found the country according to Christian doctrines.

For this first part on creativity, Massive Attacks' song, Safe From Harm

On a positive note, I'd like to start with this bit about creativity, and then dive into something political, mostly in a broader sense.

I earned my university degree in psychology concentrating in phenomenology. Near the end, I did a study of creativity. What I found was creatives, create. 

The more knowledge you have of art/creative history the more you have to draw upon.

If you have a skill in art, you can possibly do more.

If you do not, but through desire or brute force you create, then you create out of your experience and environment, and when you find you cannot go further (cannot sing as some great singer or can't sculpt or paint or write as some can), you can take a step into another form or level. When you lack the precision in a discipline, you can turn to "concept", or something else. I have long said when you hit an impasse, look directly behind you, or in an opposite direction. The answer often lies there.

What I came away with in my studies was that we do not have to be born an artist with inherent "genius". Anyone can do it. Anyone can "create". You simply act, produce.

Some can simply do it better, or different in such a way as to be praised or rewarded for it. While many never will be. While some true geniuses or great artists will never find "success" or profit in their works. For many, success or profit is by their own definitions, allowing them their own form of satisfaction or catharsis in their efforts.

It's been said for instance, that the greatest musicians are never reproduced and may be playing on a street you pass through. Or only at home.

So do not be so dismissive of all street "artists". 

Do not think because you have a collection of the "greatest musicians" or composers, you have the very best humanity has to offer.

You have that which has been recognized, capable of being contained and produced for public consumption.

We should have more respect for those we'd never believe to be artists. That can include the seemingly crazy person who creates, perhaps something you do not or can not (or yet) understand. 

Or it can even be, yourself.

Now...

For the rest of the blog, Portishead's album, Dummy.

Have you seen this meme?

While there are historical accounts of psychological warfare and propaganda techniques used by the KGB, the specific claim in the image seems to be more of a popular anecdote rather than a documented experiment. A notable related figure is Yuri Bezmenov, a former KGB agent who defected to the West and spoke about the KGB’s use of psychological tactics to influence public opinion and destabilize societies.

The concept of brainwashing and psychological manipulation has been explored in various contexts, including during the Cold War, where both the KGB and the CIA conducted experiments and operations aimed at influencing and controlling human behavior. However, the extreme claim of complete brainwashing through fear messages alone is not widely supported by concrete evidence.

Really?

There has been research on how continuous exposure to fear messages can alter behaviors. Here are some key findings:

Fear-Based Appeals: A comprehensive review by the American Psychological Association found that fear-based appeals are effective at changing attitudes, intentions, and behaviors. This review analyzed over 50 years of research and concluded that fear appeals are particularly effective when they include recommendations for avoiding the threat and are targeted at specific groups, such as women.

Health Communication: Research published in PLOS ONE examined how shifts in emotional valence during exposure to fear appeals can influence message processing and behavioral intentions. The study found that inducing positive valence shifts in health messages can improve their effectiveness, especially for relevant target groups.

COVID-19 Context: During the COVID-19 pandemic, fear-based messages significantly influenced public behavior. Studies indicated that continuous exposure to fear-inducing media could lead to heightened anxiety and biased conclusions, especially in the absence of reliable information.

General Impact of Fear Arousal: According to the Oxford Research Encyclopedia, fear arousal in messages can motivate attitude and behavior change. This effect is seen not only in health messaging but also in news accounts, social media posts, and interpersonal conversations.

These studies suggest that while fear-based messages can be effective in altering behaviors, their impact can vary based on the context, the audience, and the way the message is framed.

And?

There have been several societal experiments and studies on the impact of continuous exposure to fear messages on behavior. Here are a few notable examples:

Substance Misuse Prevention: Research on scare tactics and fear-based messages in substance misuse prevention has shown mixed results. While some studies indicate that fear-based messages can deter substance use, others suggest that these messages may not be effective and could even increase rates of misuse in some cases.

Political Campaigns: Fear-based messaging is also commonly used in political campaigns to influence voter behavior. Research has shown that fear appeals can be effective in mobilizing voters and shaping public opinion, particularly when they highlight potential threats and offer solutions.

While these examples illustrate how fear-based messaging can be a powerful tool for influencing behavior, its effectiveness can depend on various factors, including the message content, the target audience, and the context in which it is delivered. 

And Russian?

There are indeed examples of Soviet research and experimentation related to psychological manipulation and fear messaging:

Yuri Bezmenov’s Testimony: Yuri Bezmenov, a former KGB agent who defected to the West, described the KGB’s use of psychological warfare and ideological subversion. He explained that a significant portion of the KGB’s efforts was dedicated to demoralizing and destabilizing societies through continuous exposure to fear and misinformation1.

Psychological Warfare: The Soviet Union engaged in psychological warfare during the Cold War, using threats of nuclear destruction and other forms of intimidation to instill fear and influence the behavior of other nations. This strategy aimed to create doubts about the wisdom of aligning with the United States and accepting American military bases2.

The Science of Thought Control

Brainwashing and Propaganda: The concept of brainwashing gained prominence during the Cold War, with both the Soviet Union and the United States conducting experiments and operations to influence and control human behavior. The term “brainwashing” itself became widely known through reports of Communist tactics used on prisoners of war3.

These examples highlight the Soviet Union’s interest in and use of psychological tactics to manipulate and control behavior. 

We have seen over these past few decades the Republican Party ascribing to old Soviet/Russian techniques of social manipulation that is contrary to our democratic constitutional republic.

Which we are.

We've heard a lot from the right about how we're NOT a democracy, but a constitutional republic. Nonsense. That's selective ignorance at its worst.

There are various kinds of republics.

While all democratic constitutional republics are constitutional republics, not all constitutional republics are necessarily democratic. The adjective "democratic" specifies that the republic operates with a strong commitment to democratic principles.

Something Republicans, esp., repugnant MAGA seem to be allergic to in their anti-American desires toward minority rule. Their usage of old Soviet KGB tactics since the 90s I found back then and today disgusting, to use against our own, all for their wont of control, power, and wealth. 

In essence, the United States embodies the principles of a democratic constitutional republic by ensuring that its government is based on democratic participation, operates under a constitutional framework, and maintains a republican form of governance.
MAGA Republicans are essentially seditionists, pushing a crime against the State. 

Though sedition may have the same ultimate effect as treason, it is generally limited to the offense of organizing or encouraging opposition to government in a manner (such as in speech or writing) that falls short of the more dangerous offenses constituting treason.

Well, there it is.

Be well, be brilliant, be productive!

Cheers1 Sláinte!

JZ Murdock - an update on my writings and works

I was thinking today that I should put out an update of things I've been working on. I have been feeling pretty good lately, my long covid having backed off, I thought maybe it was nearly gone. My expectation/hope was that it would be gone before, on, or near 2 years since last infection (April 2022).

Then this past week it seemed to come back. It was a miserable week with a couple of days ago being especially so. I'm feeling better yesterday and today. The trouble with long covid is it sticks with you in the beginning, then it comes and goes, less and less over time (hopefully) until you start to falling prey to belief it may be gone, then it comes back, feeling more devesting each time. 

It got me to thinking about what I'd done these past few years. And that's when I thought about an update on things. So here it is.

Several of my books are nominated for various book awards this year. More about that below. Suffering "Long Covid" is one of those book, as you can see from the stamp on the cover for the Eric Hoffer Book Award. Kind of wish they'd sink some of their money into redesigning their webpage. 

I just revised my 2022 non-fiction book detailing both my own personal experiences but also long covid in general, Suffering "Long Covid". My son runs a health food store in another city and it's been selling there well enough that they are going to start paying me when they receive the books from me rather than after sales are made. I updated it with new information from 2023.

Long story this updated revision. I've had a few stumbles, continuing to add to the revision. There are now three versions to be found in the world. Original 2020 version, this year's revised version and this week's Revision 1.1. If you look on the copyright page in the front you'll see which version you're looking at. As of now it's published on Amazon in ebook and hardcopy and the books are on the way to me here and a brick and mortar store. 

It is also now available for the first time as an ebook on Smashwords along with other ebooks of mine there. I'm having some trouble with the epub version there, some error about "Frame" duplication, but it mostly looks good. Waiting on their review to continue working on it.

Nice thing about the ebook version, the research links annotated and supplied are easily clickable. I wish on Amazon the hardcopy purchased also included the ebook version. But that requires a setup on there I'm not willing at this time to accept from Amazon. Feels a bit like a bully move on there part. 

I just noticed my audiobook "The Mea Culpa Document of London" (also, Kindle), was in unpublished mode. I'd used a graphic for the cover I later found was not public domain and immediately pulled it, like two years ago. I noticed that this week, found a replacement graphic and now it's back up for sale. It is a story about an Inquisition Judge and witch hunter's crisis of conscience. I had written it for my university Intro to Fiction class toward my minor (my major is psychology, awareness and reasoning with a concentration in phenomenology). 

That professor (and class) loved my writing and admittedly they were a cut above the rest of the class (save for one other classmate). But he said I needed to write dialog and so sent me to playwriting. From there I got selected for a year long class with seven others to learn team script and screen writing (mostly writing TV shows). An amazing time. One of my two profs for that was a massive brain and loved medieval literature. 

I would hang out in his office when I had time just to learn from him. When I told him about my story about the witch hunter he really got into it and helped me with it. It's deeper than you might think. 

And the story is probably better than my voice acting, but I did my best. The story is in my first published book of short stories, "Anthology of Evil" (I have a sequel out to it now, in volumes one and two) of my newer writings, some previously published and some new). 

My WWI antiwar filmic poem and historical documentary, "Pvt. Ravel's Bolero", has been internationally awarded a lot of awards (going on 100) and Official Festival Selection status (also approaching 100).

I'm getting closer to finishing my film companion book for it. 

My short film noir/thriller/horror film, "Gumdrop", a short horror - finished it's journey around the world at film festivals and also won a bunch of awards and official festival selection status. Though nowhere near as many as "Pvt. Ravel's Bolero"!

I realized how much time, effort and money I'd put into my films and I should be doing the same for my books and screenplays. And so I've started on that (again). My true crime biopic screenplay, "The Teenage Bodyguard" has two versions. My original and one that got producer Robert Mitas (my IMDb) interested so that he helped me write another version. Robert works with Michael Douglas on films. We spoke to several directors interested in directing the film, but I came to realize, though the new version was shorter, tighter as a screenplay, it seemed to be leading directors into thinking it was a teen film and not a more mature drama. 

As the original producer in London, who first heard about the project and asked me to write the screenplay and let him see it first, he thought it reminded him of the film, 'The Place Beyond The Pines". And I agreed. Problem was, I sent him the screenplay, he said he'd send it to his readers and, I never heard from him again and he has since disappeared. 

I started sending both off to festivals and screenplay contests. I have seven now for my original version, and three for the rewrite. It's won the Brandenburg International Film Festival, honorable mention at the World Film Carnival - Singapore. David Film Festival (İstanbul), Tabriz Cinema Awards (Azerbaijan), Medusa Film Festival, United States Motion Picture Alliance (California), and the International Film & Script Festival Lotus. Also, Semi-finalist in the Page Turner Feature & TV Pilot GENRE Competition.

As for my books, Suffering "Long Covid", DEATH OF HEAVEN (horror/scifi) and Anthology of Evil II Vol. II The Unwritten have all been nominated for the Eric Hoffer Book Award. I've also submitted the last two, to other festivals. DEATH OF HEAVEN received an Honorable Mention at the Halloween Book Festival. Also another one at the Royal Dragonfly Book Award for science fiction/fantasy. It's submitted to and received reviews from Literary Titan and Reader Views. These book awards run through 2024 and I look forward to see the results. It's past time for DEATH OF HEAVEN to receive some recognition as I believe it's a very good book. And reviews are testifying to that.

While I am hopeful I'm at the end of nearly 2 years of my last bout of long covid, it has has made doing anything these past three years somewhat problematic and at times impossible. For one thing it cycles. You think you're good or it's over and it comes back. Until as with my first bout of it, it's just gone one day. Yay! 

For a while I thought I may never be able to write or produce anything ever again. "Mind fog" sucks. Being lethargic for nearly a year sucked. With the second infection two paramedic visits and hours at the emergency department of our local hospital sucked. Wearing a heart monitor for two weeks sucked. Lots of blood and heart tests and xrays and in the end, 

I seem to have come through it all with no findable damages. In fact, I swear two things are better after it. I can remember things now I couldn't remember well before covid and my physical reactions seem better (if I drop something that would normally end up on the floor, I seem better able to, and often do now, catch it first).

But IN these past few years since acquiring that rather devastating first infection in February 2020 (then again, a worse one in many ways in April 2022), I produced the WWI film (it was mostly done but I had to edit it for 6 months), then send it to film festivals around the world (I was surprised how something I did to help me heal from covid, won so many awards!), I published my first collection of short stories sequel in two new volumes of my writings as mentioned above, then wrote and published my book on long covid, revised this past week with updates for 2023,  and published that.

In thinking I'd done nothing since first contracting covid I thought I'd done nothing. Until I looked back one day to realize how much I had actually done. I would have to say myself, under these conditions it's rather remarkable. Honestly, my first edition of my long covid book had some spelling errors in it, which I've now fixed when my son pointed it out to me. Which led me to updating it, which I've been feeling I should do considering the advances and findings on long covid that have happened, even though I didn't motivation to work on that book again (it's hard writing a book about the worst times of your life where you almost died). 

I was at a standstill on my film companion book. Then when I got motivated to update and correct the long covid book...the info was all accurate in it, I'd just not had good attention to minor details like spelling when deeper into long covid than I am now (and even then, there weren't many spelling errors but I'm meticulous about my edits before publishing)...I found myself ready to get back to the film companion book.

So I'm working on it, looking forward to finishing it also. So I can then move onto my next project which I think may be about my grandfather, my mother's dad, who had traveled the world in the 1940-50s and 6os. 

And...that's my update. Now, go out and be happy, be brilliant and productive!

(I used to tell my kids that when they were leaving the house)

Wilhelmina and the Wall

The other day I was riding my bicycle around Bremerton and listening to Willie Nelson. He had a song about a guy who was saying, "Hello wall,", etc. It gave me a thought about a person from ancient times saying that to a wall and the wall speaking back to them. And they got nailed as a witch. As I rode my bike I further thought out how that might work itself out and came up with a story.

I decided I needed to give Willie credit in some way, to give him an homage to his having led me to the idea for a new story. So I'm calling her Wilhelmina Nelson (Willie Nelson, okay?) and call it, "Wilhelmina and the Wall". Which, sounds stupid, considering the ensuing storyline. However, I figured if she's talking to a wall, how is that?

So I came up with a storyline making it science fiction. So the wall is real, and is a kind of AI talking back. But just to her. But how? Well, I have used this a few times. A scientist in the future has contacted someone in the past and the connection, in this story, is the wall.

The wall. An AI. And from there I built on that.

It's an exercise in creativity. How do we come up with these things? What is the source? How does it develop?

I was very absorbed by that at university and so I took a self-designed class to study creativity. I shot a video for my professor and kept a journal. it was my first produced video really. I spent three months shooting it, thinking about it and then turned in my journal and tape to my professor. I called the short film, "Tensions".

I felt it was a private thing. Something for myself and between him and me. And then I found out he was showing it to all his classes. It was a film built phenomenologically as that was my area of study with him, my department advisor in the psychology department.

I had perhaps made the mistake of putting myself in the video for a few seconds as I'd needed an actor and no one was around. I just wanted to get the scene done. So I did it myself. And then people on campus started coming up to me to discuss it. To offer their opinion.

It felt like standing in the middle of Red Square in the center of the campus by the fountain at WWU, I was stripped naked, exposed and vulnerable.

I did not like the "fame". That was my origin of preferring fortune over fame. If ever I were to have the choice.

But that's not what Wilhelmina is about. Or that film as that was about, "what is creativity?"

What I came away with was creativity is creation. The more you apply thought, history, technique, allegory, the more personal, the more universal it becomes.

Create? Start something. Build upon it. Logically, or perhaps illogically. But some common thread should exist, for most projects. Put effort into it. The more the better usually.

But getting back to "Wilhelmina and the Wall"? Time will tell...

A Creative Mind and Life

I have noticed something of late and I wanted to share that. Full disclosure, I had ADHD as a kid. ADD as an adult. I'm getting older, I turn sixty-four near the end of August. I was lucky. As a kid, I had lots of activities that taught me control and discipline.

Myself as a kid

It was torture to master. Years of practice. Years of pain and frustration. Years of delayed gratification. We all need some of that, some of us far more than others. Structure to be unstructured. Discipline to be undisciplined when the right times come upon us.

I noticed as I got older that I had better control over things. Far better than many. Not as much as some, to be sure. I had built good habits growing up. Or they had been built into me. Probably out of necessity so as not to kill me as an offspring.

It was a struggle to figure out, to learn, but in the end, I did figure it out. I found I had a certain way of thinking and that it was more productive to work with what I had rather than to work against it. As we are typically taught in school through K-12.

Once I realized that my life got easier. I also realized I had to hide it. To be perceived as the other kids. To fit in while not fitting on. So I had to work around things, had to work harder and faster than others. Reminds me of that comment on Ginger Rogers doing what Fred Astaire did, only backward, and faster. I'm not claiming to know the female experience in life as I'm male, but intellectually, I do get it.

I learned to make notes for myself. I learned to take responsibility. To not be a victim to my circumstances but to find a way to succeed despite them. I learned that if I had to do something I had to see it got done to completion and if that required extraordinary means, so be it. If I had to walk the extra mile from others, no one cared, as long as I got my responsibilities cared for.

I realized that I was very good at creating in going forward, not so much remembering and regurgitating. I was exceptional in synthesis, in synthesizing things. In taking from one concept and adapting it to many others.

I was very good at taking something and modifying it, making it far better. Eventually creating from scratch myself and then modifying that over time. As they say in the writing field, writing is rewriting. So it is in other fields. To create, you make something and modify it, over and over to perfection. To YOUR perfection.

As you modify you learn. When humans do anything, in doing it over and over they find the flaws and find the enhancements needed. Those who sse that, who apply that, find success. The other end of that is the business side of creativity which is hard for most artists and why so many fail.

My grandmother told me repeatedly, if you start a book, always finish it. I can today count on one or two hands, all the books I've started in my life and not finished. Probably on one hand.

Another side of this is perseverance. Those who give up fail, by definition. Don't be defined by your failure. As Thomas A. Edison said: "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." I've heard so many who have "made it" who said it was luck. You do have to, as they used to say, "take a licking and keep on ticking." Persevere.

Being in the right place at the right time, making that happen, so that luck could happen to them. So it is luck, but it's also setting yourself up for luck to happen, rather than failure. They've also said that in their never giving up, while their friends had, who started when they did, some who were even better then they were at whatever their endeavors were, while they made it, the others didn't. Because they quit or couldn't take rejection after rejection.

A famous author once said about rejection in relation to writers, that you should collect your rejections as a positive thing. As a collection. Put them on your office wall where you see them every day. Collect more. Fill the wall. Fill another wall. Fill all your office walls. Then start to fill another wall in another room.

By the time you fill your wall, or your office, or another room, or your entire home, you will have a sale and then another. You have to acclimate yourself to so-called, failures. Because each failure is a success in learning, in moving past that failure to the next and so eventually to the success you want. Or another success you never saw coming. And be sure to see that when it arrives.

Opportunity knocks only once, they say. Be sure to answer when it knocks. Truth is, opportunity knocks in our lives many times. But we often never ever hear the knock because we're looking for a knock at another door. Or listening for a knock when it is a doorbell or a whistle from outside our windows.

My High School Graduation Photo

My sister suggested when I entered high school (and that was the year after she had graduated so we missed one another), that I should write notes and put them in my jeans pocket, the pocket with my keys in them. She said it had worked for her. And I knew she was smart. After some months I found that some days, I would have a pocket full of small pieces of paper with notes on them.

When I was leaving school at the end of the day I would reach for my keys, in 12th grade, it was my car keys to drive home (even better) and I would feel the notes, read them, refresh my memory on what was to come.

Or if it was for the next day, leave it in my pocket for tomorrow morning to refresh again my memory and then try to remember to, remember. Or to keep checking my pocket throughout the day. It got to be a habit as the day went on to just touch my pocket, to feel if there were notes in there. I would remember (maybe) what the note(s) said (which actually helped my memory) or when I couldn't remember, pull them out and review them. Which also helped my memory.

My confidence grew. I made it a point to show up for things on time or a few minutes early. I came to be known as punctual. Also, dependable. A teacher pointed out one day the difference between most kids who sit in the front or back of a class.

I started putting myself on the front line, in the front row. I found I could pay more attention, get more involved. I became more interested. I had always felt I didn't want to engage (a holdover I think from my lower grade school experiences. I found ways to trick myself to, or to force myself, putting myself into positions where I had to learn or to become involved. At first, I hated it. But I persevered and eventually got to relish the interactions.

All this led to a change in how I was perceived by others. For two reasons. My strong desire to be trusted and dependable, and those pocket notes. For a while later on, it became my watch with an alarm. But there were times, without a supporting pocket note, that the alarm would go off and I would have absolutely no idea why. Nowadays, of course, I have my smartphone and calendar app along with other apps for support.

My reason for bringing this all up though really has to do with creativity. Something I studied at university. My major being psychology, one of my classes actually was titled, Creativity. And it wasn't an easy class. I quickly realized that shot name classes were hard and classes with longer names were easier.

I've noticed something for some time now about my creative pursuits. I'm very good at them. I can produce a lot, much if not most being of very high quality. But not always. And, why not?

What I have noticed first, is a change in myself as I age. When I was younger, I had massive amounts of energy. In fact, I seldom got a full night's sleep in high school. I would lie awake most of the night until four or five in the morning. Then fall asleep and wake exhausted to my alarm clock.

I had a night job at a drive-in theater snack bar. I became the snack-bar manager for the last couple of years there. I went to school during the day, then to work in the evening, then home and bed. I learned to get my homework done at school during the day.

Sometimes working in one class on homework for another class. Teachers weren't stupid and they'd rail against kids doing that. So you had to be smart about it. And you still had to pay attention to the class you were in. But I seemed to be good at multitasking and it kept my mind from wandering (ADD again).

But at night, I was usually running at a high rate of speed by the time my head I hit the pillow.

Still, I had the energy to spare when I was young. In fact, being ADHD/ADD I had far too much energy most of the time. I just had to learn to use that to my advantage and not disadvantage.

What I've noticed as I've aged though is that decrease in energy. Obviously. I'm getting older. Regular workouts become ever more important as we age. It's not just that I could be in better shape though.

There is another and well-known component involved. I asked my doctor at a checkup some years ago about changes I'd noticed. I seemed to feel things more deeply. Emotionally. I'm more affected by things than I ever used to be. He said that was really quite normal (normal, there's a concept).

Obviously, as you age you gain experience and so you feel things more deeply, he said.

OK, that made sense. Then I noticed that my creativity seemed to become more problematic. That is, I've always been able to produce quality on demand. I still can, to be sure. Years as a technical writer do that, just as Isaac Asimov had claimed in his first autobiography, In Memory, Yet Green. A book that affected me deeply when it came on the market years ago. But for pure creativity and comfort, I've noticed a change.

Example. in 2016 I sold my house of sixteen years and moved to a rental in another town, Bremerton, WA. I went where the best deal possible was at the time. I had to. I wasn't rich and I was going to retire and live off of my retirement at too young of an age. Because I could.

I was retiring, young at sixty-one I was tired of on call and IT work and wanted to finally take the time and effort (and could) to explore my creative pursuits. Writing fiction, screenplay, become proficient in film production, perhaps shoot my own films from my own writings. And so I am now doing all this and making progress.

I expected to live there a year or two and look around, find where I really want to live after having sold the house, and then move to a more long term situation. I was also retiring from twenty years in IT. Which I did. One month after moving.

Now, if you talk to a realtor, they will tell you that buying (or selling) a house is like dealing with the death of a loved one over the course of that year. There is actually a numeric scale of how much stress you should have in a year that gives you a kind of guide by which to know if you are heading into taking on too much, if not headed into more serious issues.

Friends told me when I retired that it takes people anywhere from six months to two years to recover from retiring. It is a massive changed after all and I had not only sold a house I had moved into with my wife and children, but was now a house I was to move out from without that wife and kids now full grown. And I was retiring. All that in one year was a lot. Apparently.

Yet, I figured, "I'm tough, I can handle it." Maybe a month or two to reorient and I should be good. Several months of partying and doing whatever I wanted and having drinks nearly every day if not more, one day I realized that I wasn't slowing down. It was over six months later that I realized, I was finally getting over that previous summer's house sale and move.

Two years now after selling my house and moving, I moved again.

In the interim, I had to deal with family member situations, my dog of fifteen years dying and within a month, my mother dying. There was more family drama overall going on than I want to go into here but suffice it to say, it took a lot out of me. Now that I look back I think over this last move, even though it was only from one rental house to another and only a mile away at that, it really was more intense and compromising than the move two years previous.

Once again I am trying to get back onto my creative feet and needless to say, it's been difficult. Though to be fair now, there were issues with this move too. I had volunteered to help refurbish the new rental house so I could move in earlier without paying rent for the partial first month.

The guy moving out had three large dogs, hadn't paid rent in several months and seldom on time when he did and he took questionable care of the house and yard. It was a mess. We had to rip out all the wall to wall carpet and replace them and paint the entire inside as well as clean and remove things left by the previous renter. Unused to 10-12 hour days of physical labor and during some very hot summer days, I was pretty beat when finally I moved in.

Because the carpets were put in a week after I moved in all my things were downstairs except for a bed we had to move to have the carpets installed. So I'd been delayed in getting all fully "moved in". It took a while to get my writing desk in place or a working...workspace.

It was a little frustrating. My youngest child (mid-20s) was having problems finding a place and so had moved into the previous house and about a week into the new house before moving to a new location, and suffered the interim condition of the house along with me.

My real point in bringing this all up is... I find when I go through mental duress, and working for a month requiring oneself to ignore the pain and exhaustion of remodeling in sweltering heat at my age, is a mental thing too. I find that it compromises my creative endeavors.

I find I need a period of decompression, if you will. Of relaxation and perhaps, of healing. I can fight it, or I can give it its space, which I did as I happened to still to have that luxury. Lucky me, to be sure.

I have struggled to do what creative things I could. My hardest work is writing. Alone, blindly and boldly creating, if you will. I've done some events and other physical things where I could do something creative. I've worked on and been in a few local small indie horror film projects for instance. Attended some Cons. But my goal has been writing, creating, and film production as in filming and editing my own works.

Here's my mental image of what I'm dealing with.

It's like my mind is a vast and finite cacophony of (as in a murder of crows) eggshells, all arranged in a massive solid structure. Each next to and stacked upon another. When I go through these periods of, shall we say, challenge? Some of these get crushed. So I need time once the difficulties are over, for these things to heal back up. Or be replaced. Whatever works.

If the structure is somewhat crushed I cannot traverse the creative routes. Like trying to wind through a maze in a forest, where there is too much overgrowth and too many downed trees. IF however, I take the time to clean up that part of it, to allow things to heal and grow back, then I'm back to normal and not untypically, even better.

It's just that I find now that it is easier for this structure to get crushed than ever before. Though now that I think about it, there were times in mid-life when I had trouble being creative and I gave that up to laziness. When in hindsight I can now see it was daily stress and just many of life's compromises.

It is frustrating now though because I now have what I've worked toward for some years and I'm unable to be that creative or productive. Still again, my point in bringing this all up is that I know it will pass and I only have to work with myself in order to get back on track and... I will.

I have for one, made an appointment for the first time with a top rated consultant on a screenplay of mine that has been consistently getting high reviews (THE TEENAGE BODYGUARD). I have high hopes for it, as do others. But also I need to be writing every day for a full day at a time and I'm not. Still again, I know it will come... and eventually, I'll get to where I'm headed.

Because it's all a matter of time and allowing myself to take the time I need, to properly heal up and then step bravely into a new stage of my life.

But for now, I feel kind of broken.

Like my fragile list of daily habits has been broken. Floating, drifting, rudderless. I just need to rebuild my list with a new set of habits. Or the same exact list as I had before, which can be frustrating. When you get used to that happening in your life, that urge to rebuild that which shouldn't have been broken becomes more challenging. First world problems, I know.

Taking the time to live the new life, to get used to it, to assimilate it, the list will come, eventually. If I need it faster, then I need to do it intellectually, pedantically. to know that the rest of me will eventually catch up, organically.

It is in not understanding that, where some people go wrong. They become irate, unsociable, irrational. When all you need to do is relax, be patient, and work towards a positive outcome. As best and quickly as you can. No stress, just effort.

No. It's not all wonderful. But it doesn't have to be a big difficult life event either.

You just have to let yourself... Live.

I wrote the above during the third quarter of 2018.

At this point so much has happened. I have produced my first short horror film. I'm about to start shooting my second, more than twice the length of that first eight minutes short. I'm now working with a Hollywood producer on my screenplay, The Teenage Bodyguard. This week I'm shooting an interview of me to hopefully be included in a horror documentary from the UK on horror writers and filmmakers. And I now qualify ss both.

It took me a while but I'm finally in a good place to explore the creativity I had always wanted to explore over most of my life. Those skills and things I've gone through over a lifetime have paid off and I'm seeing hope for a new career. I've met many new and interesting people. I see a path up now.

It hasn't been easy, it hasn't been quick. Not by a long shot. But those who persevere, who set themselves up to be in those places where luck CAN happen for them and others they have surrounded themselves with, who hone their skills and creativity, who take the time to make themselves indispensable to others who can help them...they are the ones who have a chance.

They are the ones who made their opportunities. And when that knock comes, will hear it. Even if it is a whistle.

And I'm just getting started...

A Defectively Conservative Status Quo

If you think you're a "Conservative" you then have to ask yourself, are you for conserving resources, or the status quo? Because they are not one in the same. And resources doesn't just mean water, the environment, etc.

Def of Conservative: 1. "Favoring traditional views and values; tending to oppose change."

First of all, tending to oppose change is nuts. But ignoring that for now....

In a way it really doesn't matter which you are for because to do either effectively typically requires not only being a progressive, (or some use the more derogatory term, liberal) but also evoking change. To spout a couple of pleasing platitudes, "the one thing after all that never changes is change itself". One could say that "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results."

If in order to maintain things as they are in an ever-changing environment, like the world we live in, if it requires you to do the same thing over and over again, you yourself would then evoke change and thus cut yourself off from your own desires as to what you believe you stand for. Confusing? Counter intuitive? Maybe. That's in part what confuses most conservative mindsets.

It also leaves the rest of us as we are now, wondering just what in the Hell it is you are trying to do. Because you are saying one thing and doing something else. Yes, it looks like you are doing the same as always, but it's not bringing about the same change. Look at the current state of the GOP. They're useless at this point and have been for some time now. Longer than you would think, actually. There may be some outside influences. Russian come to mind. Greed and capitalism also.

This is the primary reason there is such a problem with Conservatives, today. What they are trying to be and to do are counter-intuitive and typically they have trouble thinking in that way. Because it's hard and it's complicated, two things diametrically opposed to what they want their world to be.

We have got to be more than we are being. To think better, more, more out of the box, more...creatively. More, progressively. For some dullards? Yes, more liberally. But more intelligently, also.

What have YOU done each day, in a creative or artistic way? I'm not talking about a poem, or painting a picture. I'm talking about your job, your day, your rut, if you will.

IF we all paid attention to acting more creative, more artistic, incorporating that into our lives, actions and thoughts, I suspect this would be a far better world for us all. It would bring more creative solutions to our lives. More, functional solutions.

You don't even have to actually DO anything creative.

Just start building those muscles to be and think in creative, and artistic ways of thinking.

This corporate form of thought we have allowed ourselves to be lulled into for so very long now, at times beaten down into, before any of us were even alive, has dulled us as thinking beings and as a nation.

A conservative knee jerk reaction would be to question not using "tried and true" methodologies. There is some truth in that. But to use them intelligently, even creatively. To apply them again, when they have already failed, especially to claim they haven't failed, when they have, is lunacy.

Think!

Some new technologies have even aided us in this. They have seen this, the crippling effects of corporations on people and have tried to be creative in their endeavors.

Things like "Don't be evil" a motto used within Google's corporate code of conduct.

But we need more and today with there being no money for anyone, unless you're rich (where's all that money?), where people need two, three or more jobs just to make do? We need creativity, we need even artistic solutions.

Not art or creativity for it's own sake to use up more money for "pretty", but for productive forward momentum, for real-world solutions and not just the same old fast, cheap, profit, profit, profit thinking...corporate thinking, which also includes showering CEO types with millions, or billions that should really be going elsewhere.

Don't think conservatively. Don't think like a corporation, like a brain dead capitalist dedicated only to profit and not humanity. Wisdom is knowledge and experience, not just what has been done, and so we need to think no more.

Be creative. Be productive. But do it not just for your boss, your corporation, your job, rather for yourselves (not just, yourSELF), for your group, OUR country, and humanity at large. And yes, even for those who do not look or sound or act like you.

Yes, even for your "enemies" and for conservatives, because in our actions here and now, in thinking in new ways, they may one day become our friends.

One can only hope.

Creative thinking

A word of caution: There are many ways to use creative thinking. Find the ones that best fit the structure of your brain/mind structure. But test to be sure it's the most effective it can be. Do not fall into the logic traps and dead ends we see so much in society today.

Out Of One's Head...Together - Suspending Belief

On Martin Luther King day, it's amazing where we are today. We need to think outside of the box, to climb ourselves out of this hole we have put ourselves in. A regressive administration, a president who is a pathological liar, a despot, a follower of the teachings of Adolph Hitler, a billionaire who has duped an entire GOP and a minority electorate abusing and managing America. King is turning over in his grave and looking at all of us to fix this. If this were a film, it would be a horror movie. A political thriller with Russian enemies on the side of an America GOP political and economic party.

We can do better. Easily. Moving on....

I have long had the ability to think around what I already know about, without it overly affecting me. More of us should be trained on that as children.

While still knowing what I'm trying to not know, though I clearly know it, I will still react as if I don't know. Though I never knew it would be, it's a handy skillset I picked up as a kid that has served me well and long into adulthood. It's beneficial to use for seeing your side up against another point of view.

It's also been useful in watching films. We've all heard or experienced when watching a film and you find already know what the ending will be. We've all heard people say, "When I watch a film I find way before the ending, that I know what is going to happen." Or, "I know right away where the film is headed."

Yeah, me too. So? Many I hear say that are actually just boasting how smart they are. Some are just genuinely annoyed. But I seldom hear a resolution. Suspend belief. Something not that easy for most of us. Because we think one of two things. Either we can't do it. Or, if we do it, it will dumb us down, make us stupid in practicing "stupidity".

I beg to differ. It's harder than it seems. It does not dull you, but builds mental muscles many simply do not have. Otherwise, it wouldn't be so hard for one to do. The thing is, it has much to do with emotional strength or maturity, then intellectual considerations.

I was that way too many years ago. I was proud and actively tried to solve the move I was watching before the midway point. Until I started college and began to study cinema. My university degree is in psychology. But I also studied cinema, fiction writing, script and screenwriting and also in a team environment. During my first year when I heard the term, "suspending belief", my life changed.

Why?

I was told when you make a film, you do not want to break the audience's suspension of belief and there are more than several ways to do that. Write or produce a bad film. Show the director's hand (or for a writer, show the writer's hand in a story in a book or screenplay. Which is where the term "killing one's children" came from for writers. That is, one must delete not only the bad, but also the excessively good sentences or paragraphs, if it breaks the reader out of the story.

In the film prognostication realm, who's the loser then? You, because you feel you're so smart, you ruin for yourself most of the movies out there? Or me, because I can take that ride and enjoy it, all the way to the end. Unless it's really bad. I'll figure out things on the way but I keep, that is, I maintain my suspension of belief. As long as the filmmaker allows me to.

I work with them to enjoy the film. IF you find you have to consciously suspend belief all through the film, it does indeed ruin the film. But if you can begin with it, maintain it, you may find a new experience from it. It becomes muscle memory. You note when something happens almost subconsciously, and then move on, mostly undeterred, without losing your stride.

One has to be careful. It's like pausing a movie today, which so many of us do, then going to the kitchen, or bathroom, or answering the phone, or whatever. A filmmaker builds your metabolism to a certain point, and changes it on purpose. Manipulating you for your benefit, to experience the film, to be submerged into the story, the characters, the emotions and hopefully, the intelligence of the work. When we break that, we do the filmmaker and ourselves a disservice.

I could go on in depth with the psychophysical considerations here, but I think you get the point.

I cannot, however, avoid gleaning the ending from the middle or sooner, when it's an overall intentional clue. When you're supposed to figure something out, do feel free. For instance, take David Mamet's 1987 film, House of Games, one of my favorite films. I loved that film the first time I saw it and I've seen it several times since. I like Mamet's works overall. Though he's not for everybody, he is still one of our most celebrated writers.

Yes, I try to not think about it all too much in watching a film. But for example, 42:38 minutes into David Mamet's 1997 film, The Spanish Prisoner (Steve Martin), it hit me like a loaded gun. I knew what was going on. That gives you two markers for one. Can you beat my figuring it at by that time in the film? Or is it just when Mamet expected viewers to figure it out? And what exactly was it you figured out? How valuable is that information in the end?

The first of his films I saw was during my college days. I got to study him a bit there in cinema classes. Films like The Postman Always Rings Twice (with Jack Nicholson, Jessica Lange, a remake of the 1946 Lana Turner, John Garfield film from the James M. Cain novel). The Verdict (Paul Newman). I also loved The Untouchables. Some of my favorite films are Mamet's. Like Spartan (Val Kilmer), Ronin (Robert De Niro), and others.

The thing about someone like Mamet is once you do figure it out, you most likely were supposed to. Then, it's all about the ride to the finish. As with The Spanish Prisoner con. You're trapped in believing you know something. You're in on it. To some, this is a disappointment. But not to worry. You're on the ride. Enjoy it.

What I'm referring to in all this is not taking the individual clues in a film or story, and adding them up to the ending before the ending. IF I'm experiencing a high-quality piece of work then, I can feel comfortable and free to apply any potential analytical skills I may possess and have fun running the full circuit, the full power, peddle to the metal, enjoying whatever skills I may have. Part of the fun of detective and espionage films, for instance.

It's been a useful talent as a screenwriter. As a writer in general, really.

Once I started writing fiction regularly, this was during and after college, no one was much interested in reading what I was writing. First time I learned about that. If you play, say guitar, you just say to someone, "hey, how's this sound to you?" And you play a few bars. People say, "No", or "Yeah, that's good."

However, if you're a writer how do you say to someone, "Here, please invest half an hour or day or a week of your time and read this, then tell me what you think and be descriptive." Another difference between music and writing. Someone's critique saying, "I don't like it," or, "I like it", doesn't help much.

And it never happens. Seldom anyway. And if you DO find someone, damn. Keep them happy!

When I was in fifth or sixth grade, I wanted to learn how to play chess.

No one knew how in my family. My older brother did, but he wasn't interested. He had a friend who was a close friend of our family and myself for many years to come. He became another older brother to me. He did take the interest and time in me for some reason. Overall, he was just a nice guy. He's gone now. Another who died too young.

After he taught me chess, I had no one to play with. So I started playing against myself. Yes, I've been asked as an adult at times if I didn't spend much time alone as a child. It's kind of obvious at times. But then, I can also be quite entertaining.

I remember in my parent's living room, playing an album, To Sir With Love, by Lulu, who was a huge star at the time, somewhat off the film of the same name as her album. It starred Sidney Poitier but she was in it and sang the title song. A really emotional scene, of troubled students showing their appreciation for one of the only people, their teacher, who showed then compassion and a path to adulthood and being a decent person. One of the first of those types of films.

It was hard to play chess against myself at first. Frustrating.  But I always rebelled against my frustrations, which is far more useful than giving up or being angry. I realized pretty quickly I had to learn to compartmentalize. I remember asking my friend how one does that. He offered a suggestion, whatever it may have been and I ran with it, took me months to master, but eventually, I got it down.

The frustrating (and comical) thing was, and I noticed this through most of my life playing chess alone, that I kept losing...to myself. I mean, I would take a color, white or black, and play against someone (myself). I didn't want to just beat my opponent, that got old quick. Like gambling for fun and never losing.

I guess, thinking back on it I was simply overcompensating in trying not to cheat by knowing my "opponent's" moves ahead of time. But then I had to do the opposite, not let me "opponent" know what I was thinking. It was a study in schizophrenia. And maybe, considering my background, my family, my mother most in particular, that was extremely helpful for me in my maturing emotional health. Not that it made me more emotionally mature. That's another story, entirely.

I just hadn't expected for the outcome to be, to lose to myself. Ironic, and pretty funny, really. In the end, after years of playing chess alone, I started to play against others. I was turned down for the junior high school chess club. They just didn't want me. I ran into that a lot. My demeanor made people expect me to be dumber than I was.

They forced me to play against their best player to enter the club. Of course, I lost. I remember asking, "But isn't this a club for people who love chess? I love chess and want to learn more." Thanks a lot Michael W.

I went on to play whoever would play me. One time I remember doing something I saw somewhere. I played against three people without looking at the chessboard and won all three games. When I got into the Air Force, I would play my friend Dan in the parachute shop and he always beat me. Even though I thought I should easily be able to beat him. He was an admirable if annoying opponent.

Then one day, I beat him! He tossed the game board, through a fit. I was so demoralized by that. My sense had always been to praise people for beating you at something, an attitude I learned in Karate in grade school. I was so annoyed, I refused to play humans after that, for years. I bought a Tandy Radio Shack tiny portable electronic chessboard for $50 and had that for decades. It wasn't until years later I started again to play against people and eventually, taught it to my children.

Getting back to my point and sorry about all the historical stuff... don't just whine about how smart you are that you always know where a movie is going before it gets there. Because you are just showing people your ego, and missing out on some very great and fun experiences.

IF you find it isn't easy to do, rather than puff up an already over-inflated ego, practice it. Build that skill, build those unused pampered mental and emotional muscles. Because in the end, it will serve you well.

People around you won't be thinking things about you, they'll never say to your face.

And you may find there are a lot more fun films out there than you ever thought possible.